The Biggest Mistake

I have learned that love is not how you forgive, but how you forget
not what you see, but what you feel, not how you listen, but how you understand.
And it's not how you let go but how you hold on.


You taught me how to live, to love, to laugh.
You also taught me how to cry, yet not how to forget and say goodbye.

I think of you with every waking moment of my life,
and dream of you with every dream I have.
Now I realize, since I can't get you out of my mind
I think you're supposed to stay, and let the "one", be someone I don't ever need to find.
The same goes in my heart,
where you'll forever be, where you have been, from the start.

I don't really know the full dimensions of forever,
but I do know it would not be enough if I were to spend it with you.
Because the first time I saw you, I knew it was true,
that I'd love you forever and that's what I will do.

Today and always, beyond tomorrow,
I need you beside me as my best friend and lover.
Always and forever,
we are made for each other.

Until the oceans dry, until the sun dims,
I will keep loving you, forever and for eternity.
because you are my dream come true, from now until the end of time,
Ill give my heart and soul to you, I know I want you to always be mine.

From now on, I will not let doubts lose the magic of love,
I want you to know that it's not everyday that I'd meet someone
with the power to make me fall in love.

Though you may never know how much I care or how important you are to me
just bear in mind that letting you go is something I would regret for all eternity.

How much I love you is not based on the hugs and kisses
and the ILY's and IMY's,
It's based on the chills that hit every part of my spine,
when I think of you all the time.
Now I'm aware of how much I care,
I'm here with you forever and I know that's just fair.

What matters is not who you are to the world, but who you are to me,
and it's not how many times you say "I love you" but how much you actually do.
Your love for me doesn't just fill my heart, it overflows into my whole body and soul.
I was wrong to ask for so much from you, I always lose control.
I know it's me, who lacks a lot,
and I want to better to be worthy of your heart.

I'm taking the risk, I'm in for a ride.
I stepped on my fears and swallowed my pride.
If you still want to be with me forever
I say yes and there is no need to worry,
for I know our life, and our love, will be a never ending story.

I Can Do Thisss

My life long dreams (yea, I'm just bored):
- Soap Opera Prinsipessa
- To star in a blockbuster hit
- To do an Indie film that will get a part of the Cannes Film Festival, or anything to that extent
- To have my face on billboards all over Metro Manila*
- To be on the cover of leading magazines in the Philippines*
*I just sounded vain, yea?
- To be a VJ on TV (duh)
- To do a really super cool Horror film
- To do TVC's by high paying commercials (i.e. Pond's, any brand of shampoo, coke, lotion)
- BENCH BODY
- Attend NY Fashion Week and other FW's around the globe
- Travel all over the world!
- Finally be able to put up my own line of clothing
- To own the hippest, funkiest "bachelorette-ish" pad in town!
- Finish College for Christ's sake!
- Play my dream roles on TV/ film (i.e. Lorelie-- since Dyesebel was recently done, Marimar is now out of the question, Jesse Hahn of Fullhouse, Dorothy of Wizard of Oz, Juliet Capulet of Romeo and Juliet, and many many more)
- Publish my own Magazine
- Take a journalism course somewhere in Europa

Let Justice Prevail

In the past days I have been feeling so good about myself. I guess it's because my life was slowly getting back on track, in terms of being on the verge of accomplishing one of my ambitions. Being able to work again and all. I was feeling the stress and being tired a lot, at the end of the day would make me feel so relieved and happy, knowing I am productive again and content. Though since the past few days, something has been making me feel as though I am such a failure at the only thing I offer my life to. If they only knew, how I was before, and everything I've sacrificed for this. In a way I believe, that giving up other things I enjoyed doing, could be a good proof that I really want to do this and I really am dedicating myself to this job. Being in the showbiz industry is a tough way of life. That is one thing I have learned from the 1st year that I have been part of it. As my father would say, "this is a very tough yet beautiful industry".. that no matter how hard it is to survive, you'd keep going on and on until you actually accomplish something. That, now, is what I believe in. Being that this is what I want to do right now, I know for a fact that I will NOT give up. I just hope and pray that they let justice prevail in the end. I am not an idiot. If I am not fit for this job, I should have stopped forcing myself from the start.

This could have just remained a frustration to begin with. I admit that I have committed a mistake or two in the past, but I know very well how sorry I am, and that those are the things I regret most in life-- Taking a rare and wonderful opportunity, yet not realizing how lucky I am and taking the chance for granted (staying fat and ugly in Prinsesa ng Banyera); and giving up so easily on something I promised I had wanted to do (PBB Teen Edition 2). Now, if what's going on with me is karma, please, please, I have been deeply wounded already by what I have done alone. I know that I can do this knowing, I want to be here because this is where my heart is. Why is it that I can never succeed in anything I do here? Why do I have to be continuously hurt? Why is it that the one thing I want and love to do the most, cannot want and love me back? Why do people have a hard time liking me and acepting me as a common face on the television? Let there be a miracle, oh Lord, because whatever happens, I will keep on chasing after my dream and I believe in the power of faith and love.

Years ago, I could've just let go of this dream. Given the opportunity to go to a good college and learn. By now, I would have been one of the most promising designers or a stylist like Rachel Zoe. I may be in school at this time taking up Psychology or something. But no. As stupid as my I may sound, I chose to run after my NUMBER 1 DREAM, rather than stick with the ones I may have the skill in, but not as much, THE HEART. Given an opportunity to be in this industry is a once in a lifetime chance that I will never let it pass. At least not anymore.

I Just Can't Get Enough

Life could not at all get any better.
I'm sorry for suddenly vanishing from the online world. I have not been posting anything in more than a month. It's so sad, yea? Anyway, it is because I have kind of been busy with a lot of things. First, getting back to school, to work, preparing for whatever comes. I can just feel that I will be having work very very soon.
I am really happy with all my relationships right now and I wouldn't have it any other way. Yes, there are days wherein I do not get any sleep or rest, at all, for that matter, but it is with out a doubt very OK. love to be busy and back to work. I love being useful and productive. I don't ever want to be a bum again. EVER.
Need I say more? I think you pretty much got it. So ciao for now, and I hope to be back for HAPPY stuff pretty soon. :)

Monkey See, Monkey Do

After going through my previous blog entries, I realized that the past days, I have been really depressed. I wrote about nothing else but despair and pessimism.

Now, I would like to change that. So far, nothing has changed. I am still being unproductive and I despise this state so badly. At least, even if we are not, and we will never be as close as we used to, my mother and I are OK again. She is finally helping me once again, in terms of life long plans I have been longing to work on.

I promised myself that I will eat up all the pride I have and bring nothing but happy vibes into our home. I am striving to change my aura and be warm and light instead of coming of as strong and dark. I will obey my mother willingly this time and continue listening and praying to God. I give myself a maximum of 3 months to take care of myself this way. I know I will succeed afterward.

I am looking forward to a fun and productive life very soon. I have learned my lesson once and for all, and I will seize the moment once again that chance I have been longing to get. I will not let myself and believers down anymore. I will work hard and stay strong.

Mother Dear, See here, See Here

I have had enough already. This is it.
DUNZO.
GAME OVER.

This morning, Beloved Mother, knocks on my door and starts the unending, SENSELESS sermon. How? Only God knows. Since, I have not an ounce of care left, I may be very blunt with you this time. See, little did I know that since I was a child, she had such rage inside of her already. As a 6 year old who did not now much, she probably wanted to strangle me to death every time we would go to the mall and I would scream my heart out when I cannot seem to get what I want. Well, Mother, my 6 year old self apologizes because apparently, she did that on purpose to humiliate you. You see, she was a problematic child. o.O So at exactly 18 minutes ago, after she slams the door, she says these sort of things. Now, these are not in any order, neither are they exact. If some words seem twisted, I did not mean them. All I will do is to try to recall, and type in everything I remember, so that it would be easier to prove my points. First, this was from months ago, brought up once again. According to her, I am a worthless piece of junk. Since that is what she thinks, I will not argue. She endlessly sermons me on things, I absolutely have nothing to do with, or I simply do not care about. Well, I believe it is only because she does not have an idea who I am nor does she know how or who I am outside of this home. True story.
*I am kind of about to get carried away so forgive the mean things I might be able to say. She is still my mother. She means well. Just FYI*

Anyway, so she calls me stupid names and curses at me. VERY TRUE STORY. I don't want to cite examples because they are in Filipino. If I translate in English they would not sound as impotent as they supposedly are. I NEVER let anybody talk to me that way. NOBODY at all. I always say, "only my own mother has the right"-- Since I did not expect it is normal for your own mother to actually do. She is much wiser than I am. That is a fact. She has a good heart and she is very hard working. She just cannot call me stupid, because I am far more intelligent than she will ever be. That is a given. She cannot say that I am not doing anything productive with my life and that all I do is lie around and do nothing. Sorry for making you feel like my life is just that, I apologize for not opening my doors for you to get to know me any further. It is just that I do not want to. She is disgusted by the decisions I make, my life long goals and ambitions. Why? She does not even know what they are. She lets her assumptions guide the way. When obviously, they are mostly wrong. Let her talk so lowly about me all she wants. So we may prove her wrong in the end. My own mother thinks I do not want to go back to school. In fact, I want to BE in school for 6 goddamned years. She says I do not pray, when in fact, I do a lot. Sometimes I even go to church on Sundays. She says I only say I want to work, but I cannot because I am fat and ugly. So I may be unworthy, but she can help. She just wont, because she probably thinks I do not want it as much. o.O It is the only thing I want in this world right now. It is the only thing I have been wanting and needing for 6 months. Why do you think I am not in school?? Oh yes, because you think I am stupid. Sorry, I am such an idiot. Pffsh. She cannot use these as reasons why my life is trashy. She actually cannot give any reason at all. My life is NOT trashy. She's just not a big part of it. It may be useless at times, I may have unproductive and lazy days. BUT WE ALL DO. My mother loved me very much and raised me unbelievably well. She just does not know it. Here is the biggest fault I am owning up to: being such a heavy baggage for 18 years, and not showing how great of a mother she is. She is wonderful. She is the best mom anyone could ever ask for. Sadly, I was not able to express my knowldege of this. I cannot ever show how important she is was is to me. I.D.C. What I will do is pay all my debts. Probably just give her the world when I can. Get her that house. Whatever. For now though, I will still be her so called baggage. I CAN ONLY STOP WHEN SHE GIVES ME WORK.

The coolest part about how much she loves me is when she has had such a long an tough day, when she is unbelievably pissed off because of certain things/ certain people (most of the time, people in the house as well). Whether or not I am home, ESPECIALLY when I am minding my own business, not bothering her AT ALL. Just one look at me, or simply just being in one room with her, SHE EXPLODES AT ME AND GETS MAD AT ME THE MOST. :| I love how my effect on her is that strong. It is just so amazing, I hate it. Most of the time I would swim to the bottom of the sea so I wont have to listen to a thing she says. Besides, it is not like she listens to anything I say. She says "yes, wonderful", "great" and "I support you" tp everything I tell her, yet never sticks to her word. She never even RECALLS saying these words. OH my! Do not hate me too much mother! If you only knew, you did not really do a bad job in raising me. Maybe I did not grow up to be your dolly or your life size robot, but I am a good person just FYI. o.O

My mother has officially washed my ego down the drain, and stepped on me like I am a disgusting, worthless, piece of trash. I am hurt, yes. But it is fair enough, I DO make her THINK that. Does not mean I am trash.

I shall pay my debts to you then leave me alone. BTW, She may think that I am a bad "leader of self", but I have been, without a doubt, the best daughter I COULD be to her since I left High School!

DEAD.

Let The Rain Fall

Lately, I have been feeling depressed. When will I ever be good enough?
I am doing everything I could to prove to myself that I am worthy of achieving my goals. Slowly but surely, I am getting back on track with the praying and such. It's like I have always been close to God because that is what I want. This is the latest and biggest realization I have had, and as far as I know, the only thing I used to lack. At least now, I feel complete again. That is the only difference. But even if I refuse to believe, I'm getting back to the criticisms I have always received before. According to them, I am ugly, I am fat, I am just not good enough. I don't want to hear these anymore because I know how hard I have been working my ass off to not be called these hurtful words again, and finally be ready to get work and be liked by certain people.

Last night, I was thinking to myself, maybe it's the whole relationship thing. I used to say that I would never get into one because it will only ruin my mind set on the whole "I will be who I want to be" thing. Actually, he has nothing to do with it at all. So, what is it then? I don't know if this should be taken as a sign or a test. I don't know if it is neither of the two.

For the first time, I am giving my all to something. I want to be in showbiz and I am sorry if I realized that only now. I need this and at the same time I want this, so I'm guessing, it is for me. I am sorry if I don't make people feel like I am a good person I am sorry if I come off as someone who looks very highly at herself. I am sorry for making you feel that I am a bitch, when in truth I am none of those. I don't even know who I am anymore. If this is what you want, you got it. As of the moment, I hate myself. I cannot see myself any lower. My ego has got down the drain. No ounce of confidence is left at all. yes, I have lost a whole lot of weight, but I feel 220lbs heavy right now. Why do people have to make me feel this way? Wait, how did these people even manage manipulating me in such a way that I am forgetting who I am now? Right now, I do not know what I want and I do not know what I need. I cannot tell my mother how bad I feel because she is obviously on their side. I know she only wants me to be better but I cannot in any way be perfect. So how much harder do I have to work to get this? I am not a bad person at all. That's for sure. So what type of punishment is this I am receiving? I faced my back on what I believed was the wrong path, but if it ain't this path as well, how many other paths are there?

I am so sick and tired. This is unbelievable.

One on One

Lately, I have been a big fan of sobbing. Crying and crying every night. Not being able to sleep for a far different reason than, "I am bored".

This is seriously not funny anymore. I mean, in general, my life is happy. My mom and I are cool as ice, hanging out at home when SHE has no taping. Yes, I am not in school, but I keep myself busy as much as possible and I am healthy up to this point. I have been living a healthy and clean lifestyle, and I am very happy with the way things are between me and my boyfriend. It was our 1st monthiversary yesterday. ♥ I only lack one thing: My dreams and ambitions. What about them? What is going on? Where have I gone at this moment? I am in a humongous rut right now and all I want is to get out of it. Though it seems so impossible. I cannot, because I do not know how. I want a job. THIS specific job. I would love to be given more opportunities on telly and start over if possible. So far, I do not have any ugly thing growing on my face. I am sorry if its impossible for me to grow any taller, but I starve myself to death and am losing LOADS of weight, even if I am against this. I do this all because I want to work. I love work. How come I cannot get it? Its the one thin I would love to do the most, given the chance. How come it does not seem to love me back?

My mother led me to a conclusion that, it's because I lack faith. In her opinion, it is because I do not acknowledge God. I do not even pray. Nobody even knows what I believe in. I know that it is such a big step to have turned my back on Him, but honestly, I don't even know why. Now, being a bum, is enough punishment. It is more than enough to make me realise my faults. I want to be close to God again. I want to remember how life was, with Him as a part of it. To whoever gets to read this, HELP ME. Please.

Stuck

Why is life so unfair!?? This is so fucked up.

Rant, rant, rant, rant, rant.

It's as if my life is falling apart again. The past days, I've been trying to pretend that everything is OK and that I am fine with the way my life has been. Eating non stop, staying home and forcing plans to come up just so I would not have to be bored and think about how sad I have been feeling. I haven't seen my boyfriend in days, and I am so broke. I need work, but I just cannot get any. I am so fat and fucking ugly and I want to do shoots and attend auditions so badly but there just ain't any. I hate this.

Today, I did not eat anything. I want to lose wait, because I have to. I need to help myself to be able to sleep on time! My mother went to an event, which supposedly could serve as exposure to me, and she had to leave me because I slept at 5 in the morning today. This is not the first time this happened. I missed fashion week last week, for a reason, nobody knows. What the hell is up with me? I just want to have a normal life and be useful. I'm not even lazy. I want this so badly. So why? Could this be karma? But karma for what???

Forgive my foul language. It is just my way of expressing my anger, and frustration as of the moment. I cannot explain the way I am feeling right now. I feel as though I am stuck in some sort of box, where I've seen every corner to see if there's something for me. Whatever I do, there just isnt any. I want to get out of it so badly but being that it's empty, I don't know how to escape. I don't think I am meant to stay here. But I don't want to leave my family. my friends, my boyfriend. It will be hard for me for sure, including the fact that, I am not normal. My sickness just might get worse if I leave. If I could though, I would have been in Milan or London ages ago. Singapore is only a third choice but since it is the nearest, I think it would be the most convenient. What do I do?

Rainy Days and Lazy Nights

I want to talk about how unbelievably unproductive yet fun my summer has been, the past days.

Time wasters. o.O

I am so bored with my life, and at the same time too lazy to do anything.
The past three days, feeling all lonely, I kept eating and eating. Also, I have seen 5 horror films in two days. It's funny though, that it did not seem to get to me. I think I am overcoming the fear of horror that I have had since this show I joined. It's great actually, having to sleep in my mother's room every time I watch scary movies and/ or talk about them is just ridiculous, now that I look at it.

I don't mind at all, if I haven't been doing anything. The past days, I have been spending with my people. By that I mean, my real friends. Ones I actually grew up with. The people I can spend time with anytime and not have to have plans whatsoever. We can get bored with one another all we want and it's perfectly cool. We can act like idiots, sob, get loud, bitch around and nobody would actually care. No matter how far we may be from each other, even if we get busy and stop hanging out as often, I still love them to bits. Nothing will ever change that.

I am done with the drama and being all emo. I just want to stay happy. Happy in the sense that I am content with everything and I'm fine with the way things are. Not, the bubblegum-unicorns-little-miss-sunshine-i-heart-everything type of happy. I just cannot be that way. It will ruin the whole point of being ANDI. o.O

Mermaid's Mission Accomplished.

I created angstyartichoke because I want to keep reminding myself how my life is continuing to get better and not stay rotten like before. I want to be able to jot down new moments in my life that make me who I am now and that the past is better left in the past, for my life at the moment is better than it has ever been.

In my book, partying, sneaking out, lying, disobeying, cursing, disrespecting, drinking and doing other illegal things are dead. Long dead. I discovered something to help myself become a better person. I taught myself to love. Love everything that I encounter, and enjoy every moment of it. I taught myself to smile even at the littlest of things. I learned to love myself and so, I am easily loved back, by my family and my friends. I now, find it easier to rebuild relationships I've lost, and build new ones in every way.

I used to say, "love love love. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing," making people think that I do not care at all. When in truth, all I want is to understand the meaning of it. Nobody wants to be alone. I was just led by fear. I was afraid of failure and rejection. I was afraid to get myself out there because of the risk that I may lose in the end.

I tried to change my ways and at the moment, I am in pure bliss. I still do not care about what other people think, that's for sure. The right amount of good decisions just keep all the good things flowing. The result of all this optimism resulted to me being, luckily, in love once again. I thought I was never going to overcome the hurt I felt before. I was absolutely wrong. Time is the only thing I needed. And I would not wish to go back to the past and change anything.

I do not mind if I was born 2 years late. I do not mind being in college and going to open parties once again. Everything was meant to be this way, if it werent, I would not be in this state...

There's this boy. I loved how he'd tell me that he never expected this to happen. I loved how he only saw "us" in his dreams and never saw how it could actually come true. I simply loved how he would tell me about his plays and ways. How he would innocently share his fantasies. How he would brag about being tough and manly. I loved how he would make me smile evertime, because of sweet nothings. How he never failed to make me laugh because of implying that he was funny. How he taught me to enjoy every single day I spend with him. How he unintentionally never made me feel that we would just stay friends. Most especially, how he taught me to love someone more than I could have, again. I love him for everything he is. I love him for being superficial and not the typical I would go for. I love him for being an asshole at times. I love him for being a generally great guy with a bad and mysterious front, because then theres something that always leaves me wanting more. I love him for making me realise that love really is blind, that I shouldnt care less about how we get along, as long as we know we want to. I love him for making me stop fearing that tomorrow, my heart will be broken again, that he can be trusted with his words. I love him for being the player and the jerk I was able to turn into someone as lovely as he is now. I love how he looks at me with his gorgeous eyes and smiles very sweetly with them. I love how I can spend every single day with him and not ever get tired of it, how I can be completely be who I am around him and still be appreciated as much. I love how I could be spontaneous and generally happy without complications and having to think ahead too much. I love how amidst the generation gap, he understands me perfectly. How he protects me and gives me the exact amount of care that I need. I love how I never seemed to understand how I still care for him as much even after knowing that he loves me too. I love how I just cannot manage losing him. I love how he has the power of turning me into a humongous cheesecake when were alone. I love how he is able to make me change my ways and still be the same person I was when I was by myself. I love how he never stops me from doing what I want yet would show me how much he cares. I love how he tells me that he is happy whenever I am, because secretly, it goes the same with me. I would not have him any other way.

It's funny how I am posting this for the whole world to see and I don't seem to be ashamed of letting everyone know that the mermaid has found the anciant mariner she's been looking for since the day her feet stepped on land.

The Secret

I really cannot manage NOT creating a blog on random thoughts at all. This is why I created a second one. I have a fashion blog and it just gives me an even harder time to have to obscure certain thoughts in my head.

If I were to keep them in any longer, I would go more insane than I already am.Though life, to me, at the moment is not at all as harsh as it used to be anymore. I am actually starting to enjoy it. I feel the need to share an idea of what I have gone through in order for you to understand how the shallow moments in my life at present all seem like an unreachable experience to me.

I grew up, normally. I was raised well and I was loved. But I never seemed to appreciate anything and ever be content with whatever I get. I saw myself as a dead one, looking for a way out of this hell- like place and live in eternity. I hated everything. I did not believe in love and its capabilities. I did not know how to make friends and I could not care less about anybody. Nobody at all. I thought I would never change. Certain incidents just made me open my eyes and realise that I am still here and nobody knows how much time left I have to enjoy what life has got to offer.

You see, I am sick. I never admitted it to myself, but now that I am, I am recovering.

I saw myself as a strong and independent lady who could overcome any obstacle on her own. I always gave a front that I am a lone wolf. I live alone, and I die alone. I kill every opinion on optimism and happiness in an instant and shut people off because of how dark I think. Now, I am learning to use my knowledge on these things, to help others.. and most especially, myself.

I am a young lady in search for something magical. I grew up to have a very open mind and taught myself to believe in whatever I wanted, to do what I want, when I want to.

But now, I want to face reality. I do not live in a nightmare, neither do I live in a fairytale. I am an innocent teenager who could be wiser than I already I am. I want to learn and discover something amazing each and everyday. My goal in life is to realize all the realizations and dream about every dream until the time I have left to live is like that of a blink of an eye.