In the past days I have been feeling so good about myself. I guess it's because my life was slowly getting back on track, in terms of being on the verge of accomplishing one of my ambitions. Being able to work again and all. I was feeling the stress and being tired a lot, at the end of the day would make me feel so relieved and happy, knowing I am productive again and content. Though since the past few days, something has been making me feel as though I am such a failure at the only thing I offer my life to. If they only knew, how I was before, and everything I've sacrificed for this. In a way I believe, that giving up other things I enjoyed doing, could be a good proof that I really want to do this and I really am dedicating myself to this job. Being in the showbiz industry is a tough way of life. That is one thing I have learned from the 1st year that I have been part of it. As my father would say, "this is a very tough yet beautiful industry".. that no matter how hard it is to survive, you'd keep going on and on until you actually accomplish something. That, now, is what I believe in. Being that this is what I want to do right now, I know for a fact that I will NOT give up. I just hope and pray that they let justice prevail in the end. I am not an idiot. If I am not fit for this job, I should have stopped forcing myself from the start.
This could have just remained a frustration to begin with. I admit that I have committed a mistake or two in the past, but I know very well how sorry I am, and that those are the things I regret most in life-- Taking a rare and wonderful opportunity, yet not realizing how lucky I am and taking the chance for granted (staying fat and ugly in Prinsesa ng Banyera); and giving up so easily on something I promised I had wanted to do (PBB Teen Edition 2). Now, if what's going on with me is karma, please, please, I have been deeply wounded already by what I have done alone. I know that I can do this knowing, I want to be here because this is where my heart is. Why is it that I can never succeed in anything I do here? Why do I have to be continuously hurt? Why is it that the one thing I want and love to do the most, cannot want and love me back? Why do people have a hard time liking me and acepting me as a common face on the television? Let there be a miracle, oh Lord, because whatever happens, I will keep on chasing after my dream and I believe in the power of faith and love.
Years ago, I could've just let go of this dream. Given the opportunity to go to a good college and learn. By now, I would have been one of the most promising designers or a stylist like Rachel Zoe. I may be in school at this time taking up Psychology or something. But no. As stupid as my I may sound, I chose to run after my NUMBER 1 DREAM, rather than stick with the ones I may have the skill in, but not as much, THE HEART. Given an opportunity to be in this industry is a once in a lifetime chance that I will never let it pass. At least not anymore.