After going through my previous blog entries, I realized that the past days, I have been really depressed. I wrote about nothing else but despair and pessimism.
Now, I would like to change that. So far, nothing has changed. I am still being unproductive and I despise this state so badly. At least, even if we are not, and we will never be as close as we used to, my mother and I are OK again. She is finally helping me once again, in terms of life long plans I have been longing to work on.
I promised myself that I will eat up all the pride I have and bring nothing but happy vibes into our home. I am striving to change my aura and be warm and light instead of coming of as strong and dark. I will obey my mother willingly this time and continue listening and praying to God. I give myself a maximum of 3 months to take care of myself this way. I know I will succeed afterward.
I am looking forward to a fun and productive life very soon. I have learned my lesson once and for all, and I will seize the moment once again that chance I have been longing to get. I will not let myself and believers down anymore. I will work hard and stay strong.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Mother Dear, See here, See Here
I have had enough already. This is it.
DUNZO.
GAME OVER.
This morning, Beloved Mother, knocks on my door and starts the unending, SENSELESS sermon. How? Only God knows. Since, I have not an ounce of care left, I may be very blunt with you this time. See, little did I know that since I was a child, she had such rage inside of her already. As a 6 year old who did not now much, she probably wanted to strangle me to death every time we would go to the mall and I would scream my heart out when I cannot seem to get what I want. Well, Mother, my 6 year old self apologizes because apparently, she did that on purpose to humiliate you. You see, she was a problematic child. o.O So at exactly 18 minutes ago, after she slams the door, she says these sort of things. Now, these are not in any order, neither are they exact. If some words seem twisted, I did not mean them. All I will do is to try to recall, and type in everything I remember, so that it would be easier to prove my points. First, this was from months ago, brought up once again. According to her, I am a worthless piece of junk. Since that is what she thinks, I will not argue. She endlessly sermons me on things, I absolutely have nothing to do with, or I simply do not care about. Well, I believe it is only because she does not have an idea who I am nor does she know how or who I am outside of this home. True story.
*I am kind of about to get carried away so forgive the mean things I might be able to say. She is still my mother. She means well. Just FYI*
Anyway, so she calls me stupid names and curses at me. VERY TRUE STORY. I don't want to cite examples because they are in Filipino. If I translate in English they would not sound as impotent as they supposedly are. I NEVER let anybody talk to me that way. NOBODY at all. I always say, "only my own mother has the right"-- Since I did not expect it is normal for your own mother to actually do. She is much wiser than I am. That is a fact. She has a good heart and she is very hard working. She just cannot call me stupid, because I am far more intelligent than she will ever be. That is a given. She cannot say that I am not doing anything productive with my life and that all I do is lie around and do nothing. Sorry for making you feel like my life is just that, I apologize for not opening my doors for you to get to know me any further. It is just that I do not want to. She is disgusted by the decisions I make, my life long goals and ambitions. Why? She does not even know what they are. She lets her assumptions guide the way. When obviously, they are mostly wrong. Let her talk so lowly about me all she wants. So we may prove her wrong in the end. My own mother thinks I do not want to go back to school. In fact, I want to BE in school for 6 goddamned years. She says I do not pray, when in fact, I do a lot. Sometimes I even go to church on Sundays. She says I only say I want to work, but I cannot because I am fat and ugly. So I may be unworthy, but she can help. She just wont, because she probably thinks I do not want it as much. o.O It is the only thing I want in this world right now. It is the only thing I have been wanting and needing for 6 months. Why do you think I am not in school?? Oh yes, because you think I am stupid. Sorry, I am such an idiot. Pffsh. She cannot use these as reasons why my life is trashy. She actually cannot give any reason at all. My life is NOT trashy. She's just not a big part of it. It may be useless at times, I may have unproductive and lazy days. BUT WE ALL DO. My mother loved me very much and raised me unbelievably well. She just does not know it. Here is the biggest fault I am owning up to: being such a heavy baggage for 18 years, and not showing how great of a mother she is. She is wonderful. She is the best mom anyone could ever ask for. Sadly, I was not able to express my knowldege of this. I cannot ever show how important she is was is to me. I.D.C. What I will do is pay all my debts. Probably just give her the world when I can. Get her that house. Whatever. For now though, I will still be her so called baggage. I CAN ONLY STOP WHEN SHE GIVES ME WORK.
The coolest part about how much she loves me is when she has had such a long an tough day, when she is unbelievably pissed off because of certain things/ certain people (most of the time, people in the house as well). Whether or not I am home, ESPECIALLY when I am minding my own business, not bothering her AT ALL. Just one look at me, or simply just being in one room with her, SHE EXPLODES AT ME AND GETS MAD AT ME THE MOST. :| I love how my effect on her is that strong. It is just so amazing, I hate it. Most of the time I would swim to the bottom of the sea so I wont have to listen to a thing she says. Besides, it is not like she listens to anything I say. She says "yes, wonderful", "great" and "I support you" tp everything I tell her, yet never sticks to her word. She never even RECALLS saying these words. OH my! Do not hate me too much mother! If you only knew, you did not really do a bad job in raising me. Maybe I did not grow up to be your dolly or your life size robot, but I am a good person just FYI. o.O
My mother has officially washed my ego down the drain, and stepped on me like I am a disgusting, worthless, piece of trash. I am hurt, yes. But it is fair enough, I DO make her THINK that. Does not mean I am trash.
I shall pay my debts to you then leave me alone. BTW, She may think that I am a bad "leader of self", but I have been, without a doubt, the best daughter I COULD be to her since I left High School!
DEAD.
DUNZO.
GAME OVER.
This morning, Beloved Mother, knocks on my door and starts the unending, SENSELESS sermon. How? Only God knows. Since, I have not an ounce of care left, I may be very blunt with you this time. See, little did I know that since I was a child, she had such rage inside of her already. As a 6 year old who did not now much, she probably wanted to strangle me to death every time we would go to the mall and I would scream my heart out when I cannot seem to get what I want. Well, Mother, my 6 year old self apologizes because apparently, she did that on purpose to humiliate you. You see, she was a problematic child. o.O So at exactly 18 minutes ago, after she slams the door, she says these sort of things. Now, these are not in any order, neither are they exact. If some words seem twisted, I did not mean them. All I will do is to try to recall, and type in everything I remember, so that it would be easier to prove my points. First, this was from months ago, brought up once again. According to her, I am a worthless piece of junk. Since that is what she thinks, I will not argue. She endlessly sermons me on things, I absolutely have nothing to do with, or I simply do not care about. Well, I believe it is only because she does not have an idea who I am nor does she know how or who I am outside of this home. True story.
*I am kind of about to get carried away so forgive the mean things I might be able to say. She is still my mother. She means well. Just FYI*
Anyway, so she calls me stupid names and curses at me. VERY TRUE STORY. I don't want to cite examples because they are in Filipino. If I translate in English they would not sound as impotent as they supposedly are. I NEVER let anybody talk to me that way. NOBODY at all. I always say, "only my own mother has the right"-- Since I did not expect it is normal for your own mother to actually do. She is much wiser than I am. That is a fact. She has a good heart and she is very hard working. She just cannot call me stupid, because I am far more intelligent than she will ever be. That is a given. She cannot say that I am not doing anything productive with my life and that all I do is lie around and do nothing. Sorry for making you feel like my life is just that, I apologize for not opening my doors for you to get to know me any further. It is just that I do not want to. She is disgusted by the decisions I make, my life long goals and ambitions. Why? She does not even know what they are. She lets her assumptions guide the way. When obviously, they are mostly wrong. Let her talk so lowly about me all she wants. So we may prove her wrong in the end. My own mother thinks I do not want to go back to school. In fact, I want to BE in school for 6 goddamned years. She says I do not pray, when in fact, I do a lot. Sometimes I even go to church on Sundays. She says I only say I want to work, but I cannot because I am fat and ugly. So I may be unworthy, but she can help. She just wont, because she probably thinks I do not want it as much. o.O It is the only thing I want in this world right now. It is the only thing I have been wanting and needing for 6 months. Why do you think I am not in school?? Oh yes, because you think I am stupid. Sorry, I am such an idiot. Pffsh. She cannot use these as reasons why my life is trashy. She actually cannot give any reason at all. My life is NOT trashy. She's just not a big part of it. It may be useless at times, I may have unproductive and lazy days. BUT WE ALL DO. My mother loved me very much and raised me unbelievably well. She just does not know it. Here is the biggest fault I am owning up to: being such a heavy baggage for 18 years, and not showing how great of a mother she is. She is wonderful. She is the best mom anyone could ever ask for. Sadly, I was not able to express my knowldege of this. I cannot ever show how important she is was is to me. I.D.C. What I will do is pay all my debts. Probably just give her the world when I can. Get her that house. Whatever. For now though, I will still be her so called baggage. I CAN ONLY STOP WHEN SHE GIVES ME WORK.
The coolest part about how much she loves me is when she has had such a long an tough day, when she is unbelievably pissed off because of certain things/ certain people (most of the time, people in the house as well). Whether or not I am home, ESPECIALLY when I am minding my own business, not bothering her AT ALL. Just one look at me, or simply just being in one room with her, SHE EXPLODES AT ME AND GETS MAD AT ME THE MOST. :| I love how my effect on her is that strong. It is just so amazing, I hate it. Most of the time I would swim to the bottom of the sea so I wont have to listen to a thing she says. Besides, it is not like she listens to anything I say. She says "yes, wonderful", "great" and "I support you" tp everything I tell her, yet never sticks to her word. She never even RECALLS saying these words. OH my! Do not hate me too much mother! If you only knew, you did not really do a bad job in raising me. Maybe I did not grow up to be your dolly or your life size robot, but I am a good person just FYI. o.O
My mother has officially washed my ego down the drain, and stepped on me like I am a disgusting, worthless, piece of trash. I am hurt, yes. But it is fair enough, I DO make her THINK that. Does not mean I am trash.
I shall pay my debts to you then leave me alone. BTW, She may think that I am a bad "leader of self", but I have been, without a doubt, the best daughter I COULD be to her since I left High School!
DEAD.
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