Sunday, May 31, 2009
Rant, rant, rant, rant, rant.
It's as if my life is falling apart again. The past days, I've been trying to pretend that everything is OK and that I am fine with the way my life has been. Eating non stop, staying home and forcing plans to come up just so I would not have to be bored and think about how sad I have been feeling. I haven't seen my boyfriend in days, and I am so broke. I need work, but I just cannot get any. I am so fat and fucking ugly and I want to do shoots and attend auditions so badly but there just ain't any. I hate this.
Today, I did not eat anything. I want to lose wait, because I have to. I need to help myself to be able to sleep on time! My mother went to an event, which supposedly could serve as exposure to me, and she had to leave me because I slept at 5 in the morning today. This is not the first time this happened. I missed fashion week last week, for a reason, nobody knows. What the hell is up with me? I just want to have a normal life and be useful. I'm not even lazy. I want this so badly. So why? Could this be karma? But karma for what???
Forgive my foul language. It is just my way of expressing my anger, and frustration as of the moment. I cannot explain the way I am feeling right now. I feel as though I am stuck in some sort of box, where I've seen every corner to see if there's something for me. Whatever I do, there just isnt any. I want to get out of it so badly but being that it's empty, I don't know how to escape. I don't think I am meant to stay here. But I don't want to leave my family. my friends, my boyfriend. It will be hard for me for sure, including the fact that, I am not normal. My sickness just might get worse if I leave. If I could though, I would have been in Milan or London ages ago. Singapore is only a third choice but since it is the nearest, I think it would be the most convenient. What do I do?
Friday, May 29, 2009
Time wasters. o.O
I am so bored with my life, and at the same time too lazy to do anything.
The past three days, feeling all lonely, I kept eating and eating. Also, I have seen 5 horror films in two days. It's funny though, that it did not seem to get to me. I think I am overcoming the fear of horror that I have had since this show I joined. It's great actually, having to sleep in my mother's room every time I watch scary movies and/ or talk about them is just ridiculous, now that I look at it.
I don't mind at all, if I haven't been doing anything. The past days, I have been spending with my people. By that I mean, my real friends. Ones I actually grew up with. The people I can spend time with anytime and not have to have plans whatsoever. We can get bored with one another all we want and it's perfectly cool. We can act like idiots, sob, get loud, bitch around and nobody would actually care. No matter how far we may be from each other, even if we get busy and stop hanging out as often, I still love them to bits. Nothing will ever change that.
I am done with the drama and being all emo. I just want to stay happy. Happy in the sense that I am content with everything and I'm fine with the way things are. Not, the bubblegum-unicorns-little-miss-sunshine-i-heart-everything type of happy. I just cannot be that way. It will ruin the whole point of being ANDI. o.O
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
In my book, partying, sneaking out, lying, disobeying, cursing, disrespecting, drinking and doing other illegal things are dead. Long dead. I discovered something to help myself become a better person. I taught myself to love. Love everything that I encounter, and enjoy every moment of it. I taught myself to smile even at the littlest of things. I learned to love myself and so, I am easily loved back, by my family and my friends. I now, find it easier to rebuild relationships I've lost, and build new ones in every way.
I used to say, "love love love. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing," making people think that I do not care at all. When in truth, all I want is to understand the meaning of it. Nobody wants to be alone. I was just led by fear. I was afraid of failure and rejection. I was afraid to get myself out there because of the risk that I may lose in the end.
I tried to change my ways and at the moment, I am in pure bliss. I still do not care about what other people think, that's for sure. The right amount of good decisions just keep all the good things flowing. The result of all this optimism resulted to me being, luckily, in love once again. I thought I was never going to overcome the hurt I felt before. I was absolutely wrong. Time is the only thing I needed. And I would not wish to go back to the past and change anything.
I do not mind if I was born 2 years late. I do not mind being in college and going to open parties once again. Everything was meant to be this way, if it werent, I would not be in this state...
There's this boy. I loved how he'd tell me that he never expected this to happen. I loved how he only saw "us" in his dreams and never saw how it could actually come true. I simply loved how he would tell me about his plays and ways. How he would innocently share his fantasies. How he would brag about being tough and manly. I loved how he would make me smile evertime, because of sweet nothings. How he never failed to make me laugh because of implying that he was funny. How he taught me to enjoy every single day I spend with him. How he unintentionally never made me feel that we would just stay friends. Most especially, how he taught me to love someone more than I could have, again. I love him for everything he is. I love him for being superficial and not the typical I would go for. I love him for being an asshole at times. I love him for being a generally great guy with a bad and mysterious front, because then theres something that always leaves me wanting more. I love him for making me realise that love really is blind, that I shouldnt care less about how we get along, as long as we know we want to. I love him for making me stop fearing that tomorrow, my heart will be broken again, that he can be trusted with his words. I love him for being the player and the jerk I was able to turn into someone as lovely as he is now. I love how he looks at me with his gorgeous eyes and smiles very sweetly with them. I love how I can spend every single day with him and not ever get tired of it, how I can be completely be who I am around him and still be appreciated as much. I love how I could be spontaneous and generally happy without complications and having to think ahead too much. I love how amidst the generation gap, he understands me perfectly. How he protects me and gives me the exact amount of care that I need. I love how I never seemed to understand how I still care for him as much even after knowing that he loves me too. I love how I just cannot manage losing him. I love how he has the power of turning me into a humongous cheesecake when were alone. I love how he is able to make me change my ways and still be the same person I was when I was by myself. I love how he never stops me from doing what I want yet would show me how much he cares. I love how he tells me that he is happy whenever I am, because secretly, it goes the same with me. I would not have him any other way.
It's funny how I am posting this for the whole world to see and I don't seem to be ashamed of letting everyone know that the mermaid has found the anciant mariner she's been looking for since the day her feet stepped on land.
If I were to keep them in any longer, I would go more insane than I already am.Though life, to me, at the moment is not at all as harsh as it used to be anymore. I am actually starting to enjoy it. I feel the need to share an idea of what I have gone through in order for you to understand how the shallow moments in my life at present all seem like an unreachable experience to me.
I grew up, normally. I was raised well and I was loved. But I never seemed to appreciate anything and ever be content with whatever I get. I saw myself as a dead one, looking for a way out of this hell- like place and live in eternity. I hated everything. I did not believe in love and its capabilities. I did not know how to make friends and I could not care less about anybody. Nobody at all. I thought I would never change. Certain incidents just made me open my eyes and realise that I am still here and nobody knows how much time left I have to enjoy what life has got to offer.
You see, I am sick. I never admitted it to myself, but now that I am, I am recovering.
I saw myself as a strong and independent lady who could overcome any obstacle on her own. I always gave a front that I am a lone wolf. I live alone, and I die alone. I kill every opinion on optimism and happiness in an instant and shut people off because of how dark I think. Now, I am learning to use my knowledge on these things, to help others.. and most especially, myself.
I am a young lady in search for something magical. I grew up to have a very open mind and taught myself to believe in whatever I wanted, to do what I want, when I want to.
But now, I want to face reality. I do not live in a nightmare, neither do I live in a fairytale. I am an innocent teenager who could be wiser than I already I am. I want to learn and discover something amazing each and everyday. My goal in life is to realize all the realizations and dream about every dream until the time I have left to live is like that of a blink of an eye.