Thursday, June 18, 2009

Let The Rain Fall

Lately, I have been feeling depressed. When will I ever be good enough?
I am doing everything I could to prove to myself that I am worthy of achieving my goals. Slowly but surely, I am getting back on track with the praying and such. It's like I have always been close to God because that is what I want. This is the latest and biggest realization I have had, and as far as I know, the only thing I used to lack. At least now, I feel complete again. That is the only difference. But even if I refuse to believe, I'm getting back to the criticisms I have always received before. According to them, I am ugly, I am fat, I am just not good enough. I don't want to hear these anymore because I know how hard I have been working my ass off to not be called these hurtful words again, and finally be ready to get work and be liked by certain people.

Last night, I was thinking to myself, maybe it's the whole relationship thing. I used to say that I would never get into one because it will only ruin my mind set on the whole "I will be who I want to be" thing. Actually, he has nothing to do with it at all. So, what is it then? I don't know if this should be taken as a sign or a test. I don't know if it is neither of the two.

For the first time, I am giving my all to something. I want to be in showbiz and I am sorry if I realized that only now. I need this and at the same time I want this, so I'm guessing, it is for me. I am sorry if I don't make people feel like I am a good person I am sorry if I come off as someone who looks very highly at herself. I am sorry for making you feel that I am a bitch, when in truth I am none of those. I don't even know who I am anymore. If this is what you want, you got it. As of the moment, I hate myself. I cannot see myself any lower. My ego has got down the drain. No ounce of confidence is left at all. yes, I have lost a whole lot of weight, but I feel 220lbs heavy right now. Why do people have to make me feel this way? Wait, how did these people even manage manipulating me in such a way that I am forgetting who I am now? Right now, I do not know what I want and I do not know what I need. I cannot tell my mother how bad I feel because she is obviously on their side. I know she only wants me to be better but I cannot in any way be perfect. So how much harder do I have to work to get this? I am not a bad person at all. That's for sure. So what type of punishment is this I am receiving? I faced my back on what I believed was the wrong path, but if it ain't this path as well, how many other paths are there?

I am so sick and tired. This is unbelievable.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

One on One

Lately, I have been a big fan of sobbing. Crying and crying every night. Not being able to sleep for a far different reason than, "I am bored".

This is seriously not funny anymore. I mean, in general, my life is happy. My mom and I are cool as ice, hanging out at home when SHE has no taping. Yes, I am not in school, but I keep myself busy as much as possible and I am healthy up to this point. I have been living a healthy and clean lifestyle, and I am very happy with the way things are between me and my boyfriend. It was our 1st monthiversary yesterday. ♥ I only lack one thing: My dreams and ambitions. What about them? What is going on? Where have I gone at this moment? I am in a humongous rut right now and all I want is to get out of it. Though it seems so impossible. I cannot, because I do not know how. I want a job. THIS specific job. I would love to be given more opportunities on telly and start over if possible. So far, I do not have any ugly thing growing on my face. I am sorry if its impossible for me to grow any taller, but I starve myself to death and am losing LOADS of weight, even if I am against this. I do this all because I want to work. I love work. How come I cannot get it? Its the one thin I would love to do the most, given the chance. How come it does not seem to love me back?

My mother led me to a conclusion that, it's because I lack faith. In her opinion, it is because I do not acknowledge God. I do not even pray. Nobody even knows what I believe in. I know that it is such a big step to have turned my back on Him, but honestly, I don't even know why. Now, being a bum, is enough punishment. It is more than enough to make me realise my faults. I want to be close to God again. I want to remember how life was, with Him as a part of it. To whoever gets to read this, HELP ME. Please.