Lately, I have been a big fan of sobbing. Crying and crying every night. Not being able to sleep for a far different reason than, "I am bored".
This is seriously not funny anymore. I mean, in general, my life is happy. My mom and I are cool as ice, hanging out at home when SHE has no taping. Yes, I am not in school, but I keep myself busy as much as possible and I am healthy up to this point. I have been living a healthy and clean lifestyle, and I am very happy with the way things are between me and my boyfriend. It was our 1st monthiversary yesterday. ♥ I only lack one thing: My dreams and ambitions. What about them? What is going on? Where have I gone at this moment? I am in a humongous rut right now and all I want is to get out of it. Though it seems so impossible. I cannot, because I do not know how. I want a job. THIS specific job. I would love to be given more opportunities on telly and start over if possible. So far, I do not have any ugly thing growing on my face. I am sorry if its impossible for me to grow any taller, but I starve myself to death and am losing LOADS of weight, even if I am against this. I do this all because I want to work. I love work. How come I cannot get it? Its the one thin I would love to do the most, given the chance. How come it does not seem to love me back?
My mother led me to a conclusion that, it's because I lack faith. In her opinion, it is because I do not acknowledge God. I do not even pray. Nobody even knows what I believe in. I know that it is such a big step to have turned my back on Him, but honestly, I don't even know why. Now, being a bum, is enough punishment. It is more than enough to make me realise my faults. I want to be close to God again. I want to remember how life was, with Him as a part of it. To whoever gets to read this, HELP ME. Please.