Stuck

Why is life so unfair!?? This is so fucked up.

Rant, rant, rant, rant, rant.

It's as if my life is falling apart again. The past days, I've been trying to pretend that everything is OK and that I am fine with the way my life has been. Eating non stop, staying home and forcing plans to come up just so I would not have to be bored and think about how sad I have been feeling. I haven't seen my boyfriend in days, and I am so broke. I need work, but I just cannot get any. I am so fat and fucking ugly and I want to do shoots and attend auditions so badly but there just ain't any. I hate this.

Today, I did not eat anything. I want to lose wait, because I have to. I need to help myself to be able to sleep on time! My mother went to an event, which supposedly could serve as exposure to me, and she had to leave me because I slept at 5 in the morning today. This is not the first time this happened. I missed fashion week last week, for a reason, nobody knows. What the hell is up with me? I just want to have a normal life and be useful. I'm not even lazy. I want this so badly. So why? Could this be karma? But karma for what???

Forgive my foul language. It is just my way of expressing my anger, and frustration as of the moment. I cannot explain the way I am feeling right now. I feel as though I am stuck in some sort of box, where I've seen every corner to see if there's something for me. Whatever I do, there just isnt any. I want to get out of it so badly but being that it's empty, I don't know how to escape. I don't think I am meant to stay here. But I don't want to leave my family. my friends, my boyfriend. It will be hard for me for sure, including the fact that, I am not normal. My sickness just might get worse if I leave. If I could though, I would have been in Milan or London ages ago. Singapore is only a third choice but since it is the nearest, I think it would be the most convenient. What do I do?